It’s ok not to be ok…

‘It’s ok not to be ok’ obviously I’ve sung that in Jessie J style… just because! It’s not even a well known song so feel like no ones going to get that ha! Any how, as much as strong, brave Amy doesn’t want to admit it, the statement is true.

I’ve been a bit emotionally all over the place since I came out of hospital. I didn’t sleep great Saturday night which was annoying. I was hoping to sleep like a baby (pardon the pun). I must have just been a little bit worried having had the comfort of being in hospital for 5 nights surrounded by midwives and doctors. Having said that, I did sleep amazingly Sunday night. Sunday was a funny day for me.. I literally didn’t want to do anything or see anyone, I didn’t leave the house because of the ‘what if’. I lazed in my pyjamas and had a nap too which is fine but just not like me!

Sunday night I made a pact with myself to try and do some little trips out on my own without going too far! I went to my midwife appointment – literally love Leila. I’m so lucky to have such a nice midwife as you do hear stories about people’s not being as caring as you’d hope. After my midwife appointment I took my wedding dress to the dry cleaners. I’ve just written that and it’s reminded me I need to phone them back – I missed their call today (oops). I also popped to the little Tesco for some milk. We’re a nightmare for offering a cuppa then realising that we have no milk – always embarrassing! Then my Nan and Grandad popped over (hence the milk) and Nan had made us an apple pie which was just delicious. There is no better apple pie than my Nans! I’ve also put in an order for some steak pies to freeze before Baby C arrives, as they are also amazing! We also went to our NCT class which was a breast-feeding session and it was brilliant. We had such good fun and it was also really informative. Michael had everyone in stitches and had way too much fun! Here’s a picture of him… Yes, it’s a knitted boob and a pretend baby. No, the instructor hadn’t asked the men to do this but Michael was so into it he really wanted to get stuck in! All in all Monday was a great day and I was feeling much happier.

I was then woken up early hours Tuesday with really strong and quite frequent tightenings. I woke Michael up as they were really uncomfortable. All I could think was.. here we go again! I managed to nod off after about an hour so they must have calmed down. I could feel Baby C moving so that was my biggest reassurance. We then had the excitement of going to collect our new car, this had been delayed a bit due to all the drama of last week. Initially I wasn’t going to go as we had to go to Cambridge to collect it but I thought 1) it’s not actually too far and probably more importantly 2) I’d rather be with Michael than at home on my own. I then had a little bit of a scare in Jaguar (all was ok) but I ended up phoning the hospital for a bit of reassurance. Michael drove home and then mentioned about possibly playing golf later on today. Well that was it, it was the end of the world, the tears were flooding and I couldn’t stop crying. The golf course is only five minutes from our house but I just didn’t feel comfortable to be on my own. I’m a people person normally (apart from Sunday ha), I’m not one to love my own company, but it was just the thought of being on my own that I felt terrified at. Michael decided not to play golf and be a top husband although I know he was a bit gutted. It didn’t even need to be Michael, I just didn’t want to be in the house on my own. It was bitter sweet, I felt bad that Michael didn’t play golf but equally (and probably selfishly) I was pleased I wasn’t going to be on my own. He’d already missed out on going to Cheltenham and he’s also missing his friends stag-do in Portugal this week. I know that everything going on isn’t my fault and I shouldn’t feel bad but I can’t help it. This could maybe be why I’m feeling extra emotional?!

I then ended up phoning the hospital again at about 8pm and they suggested I come in for some monitoring and a spectrum to check everything over. I should have added … after sending some very disgusting pictures to my Mum, Hannah and Amy 🤣 Sorry girls (that’s what friends are for)! I was fully reassured by the doctor and midwife and I then felt instantly better. They wanted to keep me in so they can keep an eye tonight so I’m currently back on the lilac ward. I actually only have one bed to stay in until I’ve been in all the bays – how ridiculous eh! I’ve certainly got around the hospital 😝

My whole dilemma at the moment is I don’t want to feel like a pain in the bum phoning the hospital, but equally I’d much rather be safe than sorry. At the end of the day, we have the number there to phone for a reason and I don’t think I’d ever be made to feel like I’m wasting anyone’s time. I know for a fact I would much rather be safe than sorry!

Every time Michael drives me to the hospital we always say ‘it’s so strange to think one time we’ll drive to the hospital and come back with a baby’. It’s such a surreal but exciting feeling!

I know pregnancy hormones are a bit crazy anyway (they have been for me especially in the third trimester) but with the trauma of last week I just think everything seems a bit more heightened to me. Honestly, you could say boo and I’ll burst into tears. It’s just not like me AT ALL and it’s really horrible. I am also learning that that is also ok! It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be worried and it’s ok to be a bit all over the place! For now, I’m going to try and get a good nights sleep and tomorrow is a new day!